Emotionally burnt out

Work is really getting to me. Too much sadness, stress, and death. Christmas eve I found out about two of our former patients who had been on our unit for months had died. One of those was the woman I did CPR on months ago who had gotten her heart transplant last month. She suddenly took a turn for the worse and didn't make it. Then the day after Christmas two patients died on our unit. Both were comfort care, but it was still so sad. One was so young and the other had been on our unit off and on for the past year. We all loved her and her family so much. Things are so heart breaking. I'm so emotionally burnt out right now. I love caring for my patients and know that death is a part of life... but it's hard to be around so much sadness and death.

I didn't realize how sad the holidays would be and how hard not having my baby would be. (My baby would be one month old). I just want to be a mom. I want to quit this job and take care of my children. I had Christmas day off, but worked the 24th and 26th and was exhausted all day. We spent the day with my in-laws and I missed my own family so much and the day was focused on my nephew who was born on the day I miscarried. I love him, but he's sadly a reminder of how long it's been since my loss.

I hope the new year brings much more happiness and peace.

Getting Healthy

My new year's resolution is to get healthy. DH is pushing me toward this (and joining in this). Here's the plan:
1) joining a gym (either 24hour Fitness or Lifetime Fitness)
2) going to a chiropractor (I'm a little skeptical-never been before, but DH is making me go)
3) eating healthier (need a concrete plan for this...)

And I'm doing this because... I will be pregnant in 2009! (Positive thinking!)

another BFP dream

I have a lot of BFP dreams and baby dreams. They are so great, but of course I wake up and they were just a dream. I just feel so desperate for a baby. I love being a nurse and my career is going well (2 raises in 3 months!). But I want to be a mom more than anything. If the economy keeps going south enough for DH to loose his job (which is an all too real possibility), he'll want to postpone baby-making so I can work longer. Ugh. I truly believe that God will provide for us whenever a baby comes and that we'll never be completely ready, so WHY ARE WE STILL WAITING! I pray DH will have more faith. I think he's too scared too. I want him to be excited about a baby, so I also don't want to rush things. And of course I need to get myself healthier, which frightens me to have to gain a few pounds. I've had some food/weight issues in the past that I need to re-address. But I'm much better and know that God will get me through those. After all, pregnancy weight doesn't scare me anymore! :)

December already!

I love Christmas time... but I can't wait until next year. I'm going to get pregnant next year (positive thinking)! DH and I have been discussing plans a lot lately and trying to play around with timing (4 important out of town weddings coming up). I'm scared we'll wait because of a wedding and it won't happen and then we'll have to wait again. Is it bad that I wouldn't mind missing my brother's wedding?
I had another baby dream last night. I had a baby girl again. It felt so good to have her in my arms. My baby dreams always feel so real.
Here's praying for a great month and a new year filled with a BFP (and a better economy would be fabulous!)

The ups and downs of Thanksgiving week

Monday: We decide to adopt a 5 year old golden retriever!
Wednesday: My EDD...
Thursday: With DH's family all day including a new baby and a pregnant cousin.
Friday: News that my sister is pregnant with #2.
Sunday: Adoption fell through... no dog for us.

I'm so happy for my sister and knew they would be trying again soon. When she told everyone, I just started bawling (both happy and sad tears). I had to leave the room. My mom came up and checked on me and was so sweet and understanding. DH later asked why I was crying and I told him that my EDD would have been Wednesday (he had no clue). He actually did give me a hug and asked if he should do anything. I think my sister doesn't want to talk to me about her pregnancy, but I really do what to hear about it even though it makes me a little sad. I hope she realizes that I am truly happy for her. I also found I am scared for her. I'm nervous something will go wrong for her. I don't want her to ever go through the heart ache of a miscarriage.

EDD next week...

I'm packing to go home for Thanksgiving. My EDD is coming up next week and it's really starting to get to me. I'll be around all of DH's cousins who all either have new babies this year or are currently pregnant. I really want our baby. I'm hoping and praying I'll be able to get pregnant again within the year and will be able to have my baby I dream about. I'm realizing that my cycles are not as "normal" as I thought. I'm learning that my nutritional status/weight may be impacting me ovulating. I'm a little underweight and this last cycle, I lost even more weight with all of my wisdom teeth disasters. Now I'm trying to track my weight and also improve my eating habits, build some more muscle. I hope this trip home goes well. I miss my family and can't wait to give them all big hugs.

Italia Bella!

We're back! Italy was amazing... We're starting to sort through pictures tonight. Will post them someday. Just a little jet lagged still. AF joined us on our trip... but the wine was great! The trip was great for DH and I. Now back to the real world with lots to do!

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

It's finally here! We leave for Italy today! DH and I were giddy last night with excitement. We're both basically all packed, we're going to get some things done around the house today and then head to the airport! Lots of pictures to come!

Here's hoping for a great month... it will be a busy and emotional one. Italy starts off the excitement. Back home to family for Thanksgiving. My EDD is Nov 26. My hope is to be pregnant again within the year... and DH is on board with that!

Negative

My blood work was negative. I'm not surprised. I'm packing a couple HPT in addition to AF supplies just in case I o'd really late. That would be so great to get a BFP in Italy! But I certainly shouldn't anticipate it at this point. I wish I would be pregnant again before my EDD... it's in less than a month. Well, now I just wish I knew when AF would show. I've never been this late before.

Now I hopefully can focus on getting excited and packing for our trip! It's supposed to rain every day, but it will still be great! DH and I could really use some time with just the two of us and no stresses of jobs or housework.

Still waiting...

Not sure what to do... still no AF, still BFN. We leave for our trip to Italy this weekend. I would be so excited if I was pregnant, but really just want to know what's going on with my body. I don't remember having this long of a cycle (41 days now) ever in 15 years of AF visits. Now I'm trying to decide if I should go get labs drawn or if I should just play the wait and see game. I really would love to know so I could either pack AF supplies or avoid all the great wine in Italy.

Update:
Got an hcg level drawn and should have it back by tomorrow afternoon. I don't think I am pregnant, but it will be nice to have an answer.

Late...

AF is late... my longest cycle is 33 days... today is day 34. I took a HPT yesterday- BFN. I would be really surprised if we got pregnant this cycle (but I wouldn't be disappointed!) I have no symptoms other than occasional cramps (like AF is coming) and the cleaners at work were really bothering me like they did with my last BFP. We'll see I guess!

Thoughts on life

The past four days have been representative of life. Thursday and Friday were spent saying goodbye to a beautiful little 2 year old. Saturday and Sunday were spent at baby showers celebrating upcoming life. I've been thinking a lot about life and God and what's important to me.

DH and I spent hours talking about TTC plans. I'm so ready, but I know it's all emotional. He has some really good points and reasons to wait (mainly financial). I want a baby. I'm also terrified of the fragility of life. To have a child means to be completely responsible for a life and to love so much it hurts. Am I truly ready for this? I believe I am, even though I'm scared. We would welcome a baby at any time, but we're not actively trying for a while longer.

The funeral

This has been a rough few days. The funeral was last night. It was beautiful, but heart-breaking. My friend was sobbing like I've never heard anyone cry before- the deepest sadness I've seen anyone experience. There was a slide show of pictures of his short life at the reception. He was so precious.
The burial was this morning. Once again, it was very difficult to see this tiny coffin and know that the sweet little boy who was always so joyful and full of life is gone. At the end of the graveside service, a butterfly briefly landed on the coffin. It was as though God was reminding everyone that He has His child in His loving care and to not worry.
I am worried about my friend. She has been through so much more than anyone should ever have to go through. I just keep praying for peace for her over and over again. I've added into my calender reminders to call her on his birthday and on mother's day. Those will be especially difficult I'm sure. Not that my early m/c comes even remotely close to what she's going through, but I feel like it's helped me to be sensitive to these days and the thought that she will always be a mother even though her son is no longer on earth.
Our church community has been amazing in setting up support for her. I'm so glad for this. It's amazing to see.

Shocked and sad.

My computer crashed so I've been MIA from the internet for a while. I just learned (via facebook), that a friend's toddler was killed. He was shot in an awful situation. I don't know what to say or do. I tried to call her last night when I found out, but she was already asleep. I want to help her or do something for her, but I don't know what to do. I used to babysit for this precious child and can't believe he's gone. He was her world. I'm sick and heartbroken. I just keep praying for her.

Update

I went back to my oral surgeon on Friday... dry sockets... I got the nasty clove smelling/nasty tasting packing in and it made a huge difference in the pain. Now I don't want to eat because of the nasty taste in my mouth. Too bad I'm not trying to loose weight! The stuff is starting to wear off today, so I'll go in and get more on Monday.

DH and I decided on a boy's name! We've had a girl's name picked out for a while but now we found a boy's name we like too! Now if only I convince him to start TTC again! He's all worried about money especially with the market right now and his job is on the line if his division doesn't start making more money for the company. I was kind of hoping for a "made in Italy" baby.

Still on drugs

I'm still in pain... I have to flush out the sockets with a syringe and it hurts so much! I'm taking an extra day off work too. I'm so lonely now too, but DH gets home tonight!

Just got news that another cousin is having a baby. I'm happy for them. She is in her upper 30s and he's 40 and they really want kids so I'm glad they got pregnant. It will be tough to see them at Thanksgiving (the day after my EDD). I hope it's not too difficult a trip- I'm not sure how I will react to my EDD. I don't think DH will even remember, let alone be supportive. It will be nice to see family for the holiday though.

Recovery

Wow... that knocked me on my behind! That surgery was painful and awful! I'm still hurting and taking vicodin. Apparently my wisdom teeth were very large and they had to cut them in pieces to get them out. Now I'm all drugged up and just trying to eat and stay awake. DH was an absolute prince and took really good care of me and didn't even run screaming when I threw up and passed out (he doesn't do well with vomit). I've watched lots of movies and done lots of sudoku puzzles. Now DH is on a business trip, so it's pretty lonely, but I'm starting to function again.

Wisdom Teeth

My wisdom teeth are coming out tomorrow... I'm really nervous. What's the point of wisdom teeth anyway? Why the heck do we grow them if they just get taken out? What did people do before oral surgery existed? Ugh.

Time to go make some jello...

CPR

I did chest compressions the other day. I'm a charge nurse and I've been involved in a number of code situations, but I had never gotten there in time to do compressions. I broke a rib. We got the patient back. There was a happy ending to the story, but I was shaking for an hour after it all happened. It's truly a lot of work to do compressions. I only did 2 cycles (60 total) and my arms were very tired. It was another code involving what's called a "PEA arrest" where we can still pick up electrical activity of the heart, but it's not actually beating-there is no pulse. Kind of mind-boggling.

30 weeks

I should be 30 weeks pregnant today. How very different life could be right now. Instead of preparing for a baby, we are preparing for a trip to Italy. I'm excited... but still would rather be having my baby. I have a mound of never-ending work to do for my job and am feeling overwhelmed by it all. I'm letting DH do a lot of the the planning for the trip, which is fine. He usually takes care of planning most things. We're going to Rome, Florence, Cinque Terra, and Venice. We may stop by and see Pisa if we have enough time. DH is setting up some pretty cool tours at the Vatican and a hike along the coast in Cinque Terra. I'm sure I'll get more excited about all of this closer to the time we leave. I'm feeling too overwhelmed with all that I have to do right now and preparing for this trip is just another thing to do.

Still here...

Just catching up on life (work, house chores, sleep). Not much happening...

A trip home...

The last of the August adventures: A trip home...

I went to DH's high school reunion... oh boy. First off, I knew no one there. Secondly, I found out I have an uncanny resemblance to DH's ex-girlfriend in high school- they all thought I was her. Yikes! This really bothered me all night and I couldn't wait to leave.

I then got to spend 3 days with my wonderful family and my adorable 2 year old nephew. I really hate not being more of a part of his life. I miss my family! I want to be able to go to Sunday morning brunches after church, help my sister with babysitting, just going over to visit with family... And I just want a family of my own. I should be just starting my third trimester now...

August was busy, but filled with adventures. I miss my family and am aching for my baby more now than I have in a while. I don't know how to express this to DH. He's so adamant in waiting (especially with some unexpected home repair costs).

August adventures!

I'm back at my computer! We had a nice camping trip (not too relaxing though).


Sailboat & Kayaks

I got back & worked three 14-hour days, then left for NYC on Thursday! There was a storm, all flights were grounded into the airport, so we ended up landing in Albany to refuel and then headed to the correct airport hours later than we should have.

Friday, DH had to work, so I worked on my evals, then we headed downtown. Wow! NYC is so incredibly packed full of people! We found a place that had 50% off tickets for shows that night... I wanted to see Mary Poppins... DH wanted to see Spamalot... Spamalot was funny, a little crude. The old theater was beautiful!

Saturday we did the Statue of Liberty (didn't know you needed advance tickets to go in it), got some beautiful pictures, enjoyed the museum on Ellis Island, ate food in Little Italy, went to the "Bodies" exhibit.
















Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island

Little Italy

Sunday, we went to Mass at St. Patrick's (gorgeous church), walked around Central Park, ate in Little Italy again, and then headed to the airport.














St. Patrick's




















Central Park














My favorite parts: beautiful history and stories of the Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island, St. Patrick's, Central Park and all of the culture and personality you see within, seeing the amazing diversity of that city

Not so favorite parts: cab rides (I felt like I was going to toss my cookies during every ride with the stench of old, stale smoke, air fresheners, and crazy driving); feeling claustrophobic with all of the buildings and masses of people

Another strange dream...

The other night, I had a vivid dream that I was at a work conference and 3 of my co-workers got BFPs at the same time... I bawled in the dream and was so sad and nobody understood.

Last night I dreamt I had a baby girl! I was so baffled in my dream that I was told I had a m/c, had an internal US, multiple BFNs, but was pregnant after all! Anther bizarre part was that DH was not there, but my parents and siblings were. Because he wasn't there, I wouldn't tell anyone her name because I wanted to make sure DH was okay with the name. She was beautiful though... dark brown hair, big dark eyes, cute pink outfit... Now I've been thinking about this dream all day. It's making me ache more for a baby. Holding her was so real in my dream.

August

This will be a busy month!
Trips:
*NYC
*DH's high school reunion
*Camping/Boating trip






Work:
*Employee evals ( I have to do 12)
*Working on credentialing portfolio
*Studying for my PCCN

Time to start being productive! Today is one of my only 2 days this month that I have nothing scheduled to do.

Baby Shower Internal Disaster

I put together a baby shower for a girl at work... it was today. I decided to just have it in the conference room to keep it simple. (Apparently a terrible idea.) I came a little early to set up. As soon as I walk in, I hear "there's an internal disaster, we need you to help, the manager is on line 2." Since I'm on the leadership team, I am blessed with the privilege of telling each person walking in that instead of a baby shower, we will all be working. (There was a fire and all of the computer, a/c, pagers, and portable phone systems were down). All of the medication lists are computerized so we had to transcribe medication sheets for each patient and look through their entire charts to be sure we had the most up to date medication lists for each patient based on the orders from their entire stay (months for some people). So even the mother-to-be is working. After 2 hours, things were under control, but most of the girls had to leave and couldn't stay for the shower. Only 4 of us enjoyed all of the food and watched present opening. Kind of a bummer! I felt really bad for the mom-to-be (at least she could stay for the actual shower!)

Control

I had a really emotional day yesterday. I'm not sure how to explain it... I was in a really thoughtful mood and kept crying just from emotion. I spent a few hours painting our new shed. It was a really good time to just think and pray. I really got to thinking about my desire for a baby, but not being on the same page with DH... What does this mean for my life? How do I use this time in my life? At church I kept tearing up too. I've come to realize I have some areas in my life I need to work on... stop obsessing over wanting a baby and focus on God. I need to really learn to trust Him again and lean on Him. He's in control; a baby will be His gift and will come when He allows it. I want to focus on God more (not yet sure what I'm going to do to accomplish this... just pray more at this point). This time of waiting is where God has guided me and I need to trust that He knows best.

Insomnia...again

I can't sleep. Its 2:30am. DH wants to get up and work on the yard projects at 6am before it gets too hot. I want to sleep in (he says it's okay if I do), but feel bad not helping him.

I'm browsing books online... I need a new author to get hooked on. I love Karen Kingsbury books, but I think I've read them all now and she doesn't have another coming out until fall. ("Summer" is heart-wrenching... one of the characters goes through a pregnancy with a poor prognosis. I bawled through it!)

Anyone have any recommendations?


Fun news! I get to go to NYC on a quick business trip with DH! I have to decide what all to do and what show to see (only there for 2 days!) I guess we're getting in a lot of traveling... maybe this will mean DH will be ready to TTC again sooner?! (Now I just need to get a second job to help him feel more ready financially!)

An award!

Sweet Andrea gave me an award! It's amazing to me that people even read my blog... even more that I got an award! I'm a somewhat sporadic blogger and don't have a clue how to make my blog all pretty like so many others, but I enjoy getting my thoughts out and even more that someone is there hearing me. One of my favorite things to do is read blogs... everyone and anyones. So, I have the joy of passing on this lovely award!

Amanda has been an inspiration to me. She is so strong and so caring. Even though TTCAL is her home, she frequents the PL board and is always offering hugs and prayers. God is certainly using her to make a difference in other women's lives.
Stacy is going through an amazing trial in her life. Her story breaks my heart, but her strength and outlook on life and God's sovereignty is incredible. I pray that God may work a miracle in Isaac's life.
Angie has inspired the world! She has taken her story and all that God has taught her through Audrey's brief life to support and teach others. I am moved every entry I read of hers.
MrsABC (not sure of her real name) has a beautiful story that I have followed for a quite a while and am so excited for her as the birth of her child nears. (I also love the crib bedding she picked out and have saved pics for my reference when my turn comes).
I've been following K-tell's story since her m/c. I feel a connection with her since we both had early m/c and I find comfort knowing we went through similar feelings through the experience. She is also expecting a baby early next year (and I love the music on her blog!)
Jess has struggled through 2 m/c's and still has faith that God is leading her down the path that is best for her.
I know Andrea just gave me this award, but I wanted to list her too. She has always had such kind and thoughtful comments for me and I love to receive them! She also has been through an early m/c and knows the ache of knowing what could have been. (Praying for a BFP for her!)

Waiting

I'm really wanting to TTC again... DH is not ready. He decided he wants to travel more, to save more money, and I don't know what else. I want a baby more than a trip to Hawaii and he doesn't get that. I feel like I'm only getting older, am terrified I might m/c again or have trouble TTC. Yes, I'm only 26 now, but I want 4 kids! The stinkin' baby fever is becoming a chronic disease for me now. It really is a painful one emotionally, especially after a m/c.

I'm hosting my 2nd baby shower this year too. I'm just having a bunch of women at work meet at a restaurant for a co-workers shower. I am going to make another diaper cake. They make great decorations/centerpieces for showers. I made a couple for our church's silent auction and they sold for a pretty good amount which made me feel good that people seemed to like them. They only take an hour or two to make (now that I know what I'm doing), but I might try some new things on this next one.

I get this entire weekend off work! Unfortunately a lot of it came home with me. I'm babysitting for my nephew and will probably end up helping DH with yard projects. I really just want to go hiking and find a coffee shop to sit and read at. That's what I love to do.

A quiet house...

We've just said goodbye to my aunt/uncle/cousin visitors... It's nice to have a quiet house after having company 9 of the last 13 days. I'm tired! But it's been fun. My sister visiting was definitely the highlight. We also squeezed in DH's birthday, 4th of July celebrations, and a night out with friends between the visitors. Now I'm just working on laundry and cleaning the house in preparation to work very long days the next 3 days. I'm trying to get caught up with my PL nesties but it's sad how many new ones there are and how many stories I've missed. It gets me pretty sad how many woman have to go through a PL. I love sneaking onto SAL board and checking on all the excitement.

3 months...

Today is 3 months since my m/c. But I'm having a great day and a great weekend thanks to my amazing sister! We have been going and doing fun things, but mostly we've been having some awesome talks about life. I love that she has been open and so sympathetic toward me. She's allowed me to talk about my m/c in a way no one else has and it felt really good to have it acknowledged and to share about how it all felt. We had fun dreaming about the future and how one day we might have babies together or at least be able to have our kids play together and be excited about seeing one another.

We've been so busy playing and doing and having a blast hanging out! I've never done anything like this with my sister before and it's fantastic... I'm so sad it has to end.

Beautiful Weather & Scenery!

Syncope= passing out

I passed out at the dentist's today. They had just given me the numbing stuff and I was out. I think I really freaked them all out. They put oxygen on me and busted out the smelling salts. I think I was the big excitement for the day. Apparently people don't have "syncope" often at the dentists... go figure! They didn't even want to go on with the fillings but I convinced them to go ahead (I was already numb for goodness sake!) They made me wait in their waiting room for a while before driving home. Maybe I should have told them that passing out was a habit of mine. I've passed out getting my blood drawn, trying to donate blood, and at the oral surgeon's. I guess I didn't think a little numbing shot would make me pass out. I've been really tired lately and haven't eaten well or gotten much sleep so maybe that played a part.
Good news is my sister is coming tomorrow! Yeah!

Italy update: DH is meeting with the guy from church who is going to give him some tips of cool things to see at the Vatican!

Good times

I had a good weekend and have another one to look forward to! Just have to get through the days in-between.
Went to the orthopedic doctor on Friday... I broke my leg Feb '07, it never healed so I had surgery on it 9 months later... now it's all good, but I was having sharp pains through my leg for 6+weeks, so I went to see my ortho surgeon on Friday. (Murphy's Law= pain had stopped by then). Got another x-ray & things look perfect. Nice to know it's completely healed for sure. (Anyone have tips on making a nasty scar go away?)

We had the big festival at church this weekend... it was a blast & we got to meet some new people from our church. I learned that everyone knows DH's name, but not mine... I'm just the wife. That's okay, I really don't mind too much.

After church today, we hung out with another couple who have a 6-month old baby. It was a good time! I had moments when DH would be holding the baby & playing with him and I was just dreaming about what should have been... he'll really be a good dad.

Now I'm so incredibly excited about my sister coming next weekend! :)

"Sisters, Sisters, there were never such devoted sisters!"

My sister & I performed "Sisters" from White Christmas when we were in grade school. We wore identical poofy blue dresses and danced with white fans. We never really got along all that well back then. We never really connected until I was out of college. Now we are friends and I love it. But I hate that she lives over 19 hours away. I really miss having family nearby- especially her. She's never been out here to visit me (4 years) and now she's coming in a few weeks! I have so many ideas of things for us to do... another wonderful thing to look forward to!
Yeah for sisters!

It's in the water at work again...

Babies... 4 expected this year. One in September, two in November, and one in December. I'm only really excited for one- is that terrible? The one due in December is just telling people now because she had miscarried in the past, so I'm particularly happy for her. The one in September has complained about her pregnancy from day 1 and it has driven me crazy. One of the November babies is to a single mom and the other in November is due 2 days after my EDD, who also was not planned. I guess I shouldn't have the attitude that everyone should have to work so hard to have a baby, but I'm unjustly bitter at those who don't know the heartache of a miscarriage and get pregnant so stinkin' easily. (Yet I would never wish a pregnancy loss on anyone.) I suppose everyone has their own struggles in life. I'm just pretty upset that I found out about the baby due right after my EDD... I should be starting to show just like her and I'm not and I'm sad about that.

Excerpt from the book I just finished: "...that's the valley of the shadow of death, and God doesn't promise to take us around it. He promises He'll walk us through it." I thought that was quite profound. I guess the logic of it is similar to Footprints.

Italy planning update: DH contacted this guy at our church who's been to Rome multiple times and is setting us up with some awesome things to see and some private tours of St. Peter's that we might be able to get on! Yeah!

Italy!

DH & I have finally booked a trip to Europe! We've been talking about doing this ever since we got married. I'm so excited! It's so nice to have something to look forward to. Only downside is that we are definitely TTA for now... don't want to be pregnant for the trip (well, not too pregnant anyway). Time to go to AAA and get some travel books!

On another note... I'm wasting precious time trying to get the look of my blog just how I want it and can't manage to get it right... so it may be changing a lot in the near future!

Insomnia

Whoa did I have insomnia last night. Good thing I have today off work. My mind was going at full speed about babies and the future. Yesterday at church, the priest talked about the Catholic wedding vows. The third vow is to promise to accept children lovingly from God. I would just love to be able to do just that. We then met a beautiful family who just had their 6th child and talked about wanted to adopt also. It wasn't one of those families that had more kids than they could possibly care for. They were all loved and cared for. There was a 3 month old baby in the mix too. She was so beautiful. It just made me ache all over again for my lost baby. I should be almost 15 weeks pregnant right now.
I spent a lot of this time just praying that we will be blessed with another chance for a child... soon.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

The following was shared on the PL board... really meant a lot to me...

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Motivation

I've been sick with some awful head cold for a week. Ugh. Needless to say, I have done NOTHING productive (except go to work) for a week. My house is a mess, I have tons of laundry, I haven't done grocery shopping, I have overdue library books... so I decided to BLOG!
Great idea, Annie! :)

TTCAL

Trying To Conceive After a Loss
This is the fairly new board on The Nest Baby that I am lately having a love/hate relationship with. First of all, I can completely understand the need for this board. While the saddness of a miscarriage stays with us forever, there is a point when we need to get past the grief and be excited about TTC again. Moving on, however, is hurting the Pregnancy Loss board. Many of the great TTCAL women are great about coming over and replying and saying kind words to the new losses, but that's all there is. Few other posts are showing up on PL except the sad posts of grief.
I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready to TTC again, but I'm not as sad and grieving as much anymore. It's becoming harder to reply to the PL posts and I don't feel the need to be on the board nearly as much. I'm not much of a post initiator, but want to bring something to the PL board that would be beneficial to the women there. It helped me so much when I was going through my m/c... So, what do I do?

Mother's Day Blues

Well, it wasn't terrible... it wasn't great. I got to be with my own mother... but didn't get to be acknowledged as a mother. Last year at my own church, our priest had all of the women stand up for a special mother's day blessing and I thought it was silly since I didn't have any children. This year, I was at my parent's church and they had all of the mothers and mothers-to-be stand. This caused immediate waterworks on my part. I bawled the rest of the way through church. I was supposed to have been a mother-to-be today. I was supposed to have made the big announcement to my family today. It would have been perfect. Now all I have is an angel baby nobody knows or seems to care much about.

Almost Mother's Day

As Mother's Day is approaching, I'm really reflecting a lot on the women in my life who are mothers... my own mom, my MIL, my sister, my SIL, my grandmother, my coworker with triplets, my coworker who is due in September...
I'm so glad I'll be with my mom and sister this mother's day. My mom because she is my mom and because she has said the exact right things to me when I miscarried. I know she understands exactly what I'm going through and that brings me so much comfort. My sister was the first person (other than DH) that I talked to when I miscarried. I couldn't reach my mom and so I called my sister next. She doesn't know what it's like to miscarry, but she said the perfect things to me that morning as I was bawling over the phone to her, devastated. She simply acknowledged that she didn't know what it was like and that she was so sorry for what was happening. She was just so wonderful. She told me to call her at any time if I needed her.
I just love my family so much and am so excited to see them later this week. I haven't seen them since Christmas and am thrilled to be with them for a week.

Amazing Love

So beautiful, so sad.

I've watched this 20 times and am in awe of this woman and her family. What a difficult time to go through and what incredible and real faith she has.

Needed a change

I decided I needed a change... almost got my haircut after my trip to the dry-cleaners, but decided to just come home. Changed the color and font of my blog instead.

SNOW!?

It's not the first time it has happened here, but it's snowing today! Kind of fun! This kind of weather makes for a great day to curl up with a good book and hot tea in front of the fireplace. All I'm missing is the fireplace...
Here's to enjoying the simple things in life again.

One month

Today marks one month since I started to m/c. I'm doing much better, but still have constant thoughts about the "what ifs"
What if..
... I hadn't babysat for my friend's sick kid and gotten the stomach flu a week before my BFP
... I had gone to the ER when I started spotting (I was already at the hospital at work after all)
... I had not taken the preg tests when I did (maybe I would never had known I was preg and had avoided all of this emotional roller-coaster)
... there's something wrong with me and I'll have multiple m/c's like my mom and never be able to have a baby

Lonely

I talked to DH yesterday about wanting to get pregnant again soon... he is pretty set on waiting. I've been thinking a lot about it and maybe I'm not anxious to have a baby for the right reasons. I wonder how much of my desire to start a family is my own loneliness. My entire family is at least 18 hours away and I really don't have any close friends here yet. DH is it. My BIL & SIL are out here, but that's a little different. They are significantly older and pretty busy with their own lives. I'm just bored with my life. I'm ready to move on. I want to not be lonely anymore.

Nice Weekend & SIL rant

DH & I escaped for a romantic get-away for our anniversary this past weekend. We read books, played games, watched movies, sat by the fire and talked, ate ice cream, ate cheese, drank wine... it was nice! But now it's on with the daily routine of life.

My BIL & SIL seem to be struggling with being new parents. I've never truly been a parent, so maybe I shouldn't even judge, but I can't help but think if it were me, I would be able to be a great mother and enjoy it! I feel so resentful toward them sometimes. My SIL was the one who was supposed to have a difficult time getting pregnant and a difficult pregnancy, and she gets pregnant in no time and with no major problems. Now it seems like she's not enjoying being a mother and can't handle the job with help from the grandmas! Ugh... I feel awful about myself for feeling so ill toward her, but I just do and I can express that here.

Up & Down weekend

My 3 week old nephew is getting baptized tomorrow... another emotional/jealous time. I hate being so jealous of my SIL- I'm not a jealous person usually. Good news is that my DH & I are leaving right after for 3 days away for our anniversary! :) It's just to bad it can't be a baby-making trip!

DH doesn't understand

I've been just plain sad lately. Especially when we go to see my BIL & his wife and their beautiful new baby. DH knows something is wrong but can't really figure out what or why. I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't think he understands and just makes comments about "when the time's right" and "this time wasn't meant to be". I hate it that we aren't even trying anytime soon. I really want to try sooner. This pregnancy and then m/c was an awful tug-of-war on my emotions. It took me a little while to be excited, but then I was so excited and planning for my future as a mother and dreaming about my baby. Now that's all I want. I want a baby. I want to be a mother. In the 3 days that I was aware I was pregnant, I had put together a "pregnancy binder". I had put in the pregnancy checklist I found on thenestbaby.com and cut outs/pictures of nursery furniture I liked and bedding I liked. I had baby books on hold at the library which I luckily remembered to cancel before they came in.

I got a sweet note from the tech who did my emergent ultrasound at the hospital. She was so sweet and really made the whole process a little easier.

Trying to figure out why

Here are my irrational thoughts of why I m/c'd:
1) Caffeine: I've always told myself that I would not drink caffeine if I got pregnant. I drank a ton of coffee before my BFP and then I had a tiny bit of coke on the day I m/c.
2) Microwaves & massive printer/copier at work
3) Huge fight/argument w/ DH.
4) Terrible stomach flu 10 days before BFP when I didn't eat for 3 days.
5) I used all kinds of cleaners/chemicals the week I m/c, cleaning in prep for my in-laws to visit.
6) I wasn't excited enough when I found out I was pregnant.

I also have the terrible feeling that maybe I could have prevented the m/c by going to the ER when I started spotting, before the bleeding got too bad. It was all over by the time I saw my doctor.

Resolution

Tuesday I had my doctor's appointment after my m/c to make sure everything was okay. The urine preg test was negative by then... they did draw blood to check my hcg level, but I don't know what it was. On exam, she was worried it might have been ectopic so she quickly sent me to the hospital to have a stat ultrasound. The tech was incredible and very sympathetic of my situation. Luckily everything came out fine and I was even told I have a "beautiful uterus". :)
That morning, DH had talked to a woman at work about what was going on and it was wonderful that he did! She had been through a m/c and explained to DH what kind of support I needed and what I was going through. DH showed up at the hospital unexpectedly while I was waiting for the results of my ultrasound and was a great support for the first time since all of this happened. So now I have some resolution which makes things a little better.

My crying now is sort of unpredictable, but I at least know I'm okay if I keep busy and don't have time to just sit and think. Church was so difficult this Sunday... of course there was a baptism. Pregnancies and babies are everywhere and I'm so sick of it! And of course with my new nephew... I'm constantly involved in discussions about babies... and looking at pictures of babies... and I just want to be having a baby!

the flowers my wonderful Mom sent after I told her about my m/c

Emotional week

I'm not pregnant anymore. I started cramping and then bleeding on Thursday night. By Friday morning it was pretty AF... I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I'm just paying attention to make sure I don't bleed too much and have an appointment set up with primary doc on Tuesday. I don't even have an OB/GYN yet. I guess it's good that this happened so early- before we told anyone and before I had any doctor's appointments. It's still so hard and so sad. I went through all the emotions of finding out I was pregnant and getting worried and getting excited and then I miscarry. I was only in my 5th week. Happily and sadly, my sister in law had her baby on Thursday. So I'm surrounded by babies and excitement about pregnancies and I hate it right now. DH doesn't even have a clue. He thinks that maybe I wasn't even pregnant and just had a really long cycle and the multiple pregnancy tests that showed faint lines were just wrong. I don't want him to say that. I was pregnant and I lost the baby. That was my biggest fear. I have always been so terrified of miscarrying one day. My mom went through at least 3 that I know of and I saw how hard it was on her- I remember it being hard on me and I was only a kid. I'm looking forward to Tuesday to just make sure everything is okay. I don't know if she'll be able to tell at that point, but I kind of do want confirmation that I was in fact pregnant and that nothing's wrong with me and I will be able to have a baby someday.

It's positive?!

Whoa! So DH & I have been slacking on our NFP rules, have kind of gotten to the point of not trying, but not trying to prevent so much... We knew we were tempting fate when we did not wait for any temperature shift (even though I thought I was past the fertile mucus). I really didn't think I had gotten pregnant this cycle, but after 35 days pass... I tested... and got a very very faint line. Now I know FMU is best to use, but I was so stunned and unsure if I was seeing things, that I proceed with 5 more tests... some looking negative, but the majority with that very faint positive. I know that a line is a line... but I can't help but not really believe it until it's a more obvious positive. So, now I think I'm pregnant! Whoa!














4 of the HPT I took... all very faint +

I really don't have any symptoms... just have felt like AF is coming for the past week or so. Also, I've been getting really nauseated whenever I'm using any cleaning supplies. (My in-laws are coming to stay with us on Friday for who knows how long and I'm trying to clean the house like a mad woman).
On Saturday, we bought plane tickets for Thanksgiving. My EDD is the day before Thanksgiving. Great...

On Easter Sunday, we went to Mass at the Cathedral downtown. At the end of Mass, there was an older woman sitting behind us and asked us when we were going to have kids. She proceeded to ask us our names so she could pray for us to have kids. I think that woman has some kind of incredible pull with God! (That's how I told DH).

Bummed out...

No terrible reason why, but it's a blah day today. We just got back from a wonderful cruise to cold weather and piles of work. My first day back to work in 2 weeks was terrible and I want to become a mom so I can quit. I am having such bad cramps I didn't start feeling good enough to move until 1pm. I'm feeling really lonely. My friend who said she would call me back this morning still hasn't. So of course I'm wasting my day away watching movies and not being productive which makes me feel worse about myself. What a rut.

Baby Shower... the results

Things went well, I think! Here are some photos of the decor...
(the diaper cake pic was posted last month)

The flowers... by MIL


The cupcakes... pacifier topper by me!

Name

We have a name picked out for our first daughter. We both love it, but I realized today that the initials could be bad... Is it reason enough to not use it? Probably not. Most people probably wouldn't even be aware of her middle initial. It's fun to have a name picked out. When we talk about the future and being parents some day, we use her name. It makes me even more excited to be a mom someday!

My Quirks

1) I love reading random people's blogs
2) I keep a list of potential names for my future children in my PDA
3) I cannot fall asleep in lingerie, I must be wearing a t-shirt/tank top & shorts/PJ pants
4) I don't use salt or pepper unless I have to for a recipe
5) I have kept every calender/planner since I was 7 years old

NFP

We use NFP... many of our co-workers and friends know this. When we were engaged, we were constantly teased that we would get pregnant right away and be a "good Catholic couple." Well, so far it's working! We've been married almost 2 years and no baby. We are extra conservative with the "rules" to avoid a pregnancy. But I feel very confident in it as long as I actually pay attention. All of our pregnancy "scares" were when I wasn't checking my signs. I'm so glad we're using NFP. It's great spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It will be great to use when we're TTC since I already know when I'm fertile and when I ovulate and all that fun stuff.

Baby Shower

I'm throwing a baby shower next month. I realized I've never actually been to a formal shower (only get-togethers at a restaurant for girls at work)- not even my own sister's. So, it's been a challenge. But of course it's making my baby fever worse.
Here is what I've figured out so far:
1. Fun and not so cheesy games are a bit difficult to come by
2. A diaper cake is a fun idea, but a challenge to put together
3. My living room is much too small for the 17 women to fit into if everyone comes

Diaper Cake at the shower