Merry Christmas and 21 weeks!

Merry Christmas! Things have been super busy with the holidays and work. I worked both the 24th & 26th and am so glad to have today off! I'm exhausted!

How far along: 21 weeks

Total weight gain: 5 lbs (based on my home scale)

How much does baby weigh: 10+oz based on my US last week

Maternity clothes: I have 2 pairs of pants that fit me.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I wish I could! I'm writing this at 2am...

Best moment this week: Christmas gift from DH... a glider!

Movement: lots! this kids is a mover!

Food cravings: nothing new recently

Belly button in or out: In

What I miss: being able to sleep

What I'm looking forward to: sitting in my new glider and rocking my baby!

21 week belly shot

"Perfect"!

My 20 week US was today and the baby looks "perfect"! I'm so happy! I was just grinning ear to ear the entire time the tech was taking measurements. She was having a hard time doing so though since this little one is such a wiggler! I love it!

I couldn't sleep at all last night I was so excited and nervous. The baby was moving a lot last night too. I also had the strangest dream about seeing the baby. I saw a foot through my skin and then my skin opened up in flaps and the baby popped it's head out. It looked very doll like. I just told the baby it wasn't time to come out yet and put it's head back in. Strange...

I'm so happy and thankful that this little one looks healthy.

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19 Weeks!

How far along: 19 weeks

Total weight gain: 4 lbs

How much does baby weigh: the websites say ~7 oz

Maternity clothes: Maternity jeans and tanks, still wearing all of my other clothes

Stretch marks: not yet!

Sleep: I wake up at least 3 times every night to use the bathroom and usually wake up hungry!

Best moment this week: Today! I actually was able to feel a kick from the outside! I was shocked I could feel this so early, unfortunately it hasn't happened again, so DH hasn't been able to feel the baby too.

Movement: Little taps!

Food cravings: grape juice with sparking water and toast with strawberry jam

Belly button in or out: In

What I miss: fitting in all of my clothes

What I'm looking forward to: my big ultrasound Friday! Nope, we are not finding out the gender!

My little wiggle worm!

DH & I just got back from an almost 2 week vacation! Lots of sun and relaxation. Just what we both needed. This LO did not let me do too much sleeping however... it's been hard to fall asleep and stay asleep ( I wake up at least 3-6 times every night depending on how long I get to try to sleep). And I'm eating so much this baby has to be growing like a weed!

The exciting new thing is I'm starting to feel this little wiggle worm! It's so reassuring and I love it! I starting feeling "something" around 17 weeks and now I'm sure of what I'm feeling. I love this little blessing and can't wait to meet him or her!

Maternity Jeans!

I wore my first piece of maternity clothes yesterday... jeans! My regular jeans are too uncomfortable at the end of the day, so I bought a pair at Old Navy. It's strange having elastic wasted jeans, but they are much more comfortable. I can't wait to start feeling the baby. I'm really starting to feel more connected to him or her. I had an appointment last Thursday and I got to hear the baby's heart beating. My OB said she could hear it moving around a lot on the doppler. Wow! Our little one is moving around in there!
Pregnancy is such an amazing and beautiful thing!

Baby girl dream

I'm feeling better.. got tested for strep throat which was luckily negative.

I had a long detailed baby dream the other night. I had a baby girl and DH was really disappointed. Then I dreamt a lot about breastfeeding (luckily it was going really well in my dream). I saw lots of my extended family in my dream and it was a really good dream for the most part (besides DH not being excited about a girl).

Sick :(

Sore throat, headache, low grade fever... ugh. I actually called in sick to work (haven't done that in a year). Praying that this is nothing serious. I'm trying to drink lots of fluids and get rest.

I'm looking forward to my appointment next week. I want and need reassurance that this little one is growing.

Better late than never...

Here's our little one at my 9w5d US.

Here's my belly shot for today (12w3d)
I thought I'd get at least one in the 1st tri!

Almost 2nd trimester already!

Yippie! I'm so glad I've made it this far. I was able to see my family this weekend which was absolutely wonderful! I miss them so much. I'll see them again for a short time in December, but then I don't know when I'll see them again.

So far the pregnancy is going smoothly. I'm still nauseated all of the time. I had a short break from the nausea for 1 1/2 weeks at around 10 weeks, but it came back. Hopefully the 2nd tri will be kind to me. I have gained no weight, but do feel like my jeans are snug (I wear them fairly fitted). I can't wait to get a bump. I feel like then I will have reassurance that the baby is growing. Then there will be baby movements to look forward to!

I can't wait to be in a place to start planning more for this little one. I love looking at baby stuff at the stores. It's a good thing I don't/won't know the gender or it would be very tempting to buy lots of cute clothes! My brother is predicting a girl so far. I have no instincts either way, but do call the baby "he" a lot (but that may be b/c DH keeps referring to the baby as a boy... wishful thinking). I can honestly say I will be happy either way!

Great day with great news!

My mom is doing well! Thanks for the prayers. Her values are back to normal now. They found some nodules on her lungs and spleen, but are pretty sure they are benign. Her kidneys are recovering and cancer is looking to be less likely. I'm so relieved.

I also had my first ultrasound today. It was amazing! Our little miracle is doing well! The heartbeat was 166 bpm and it's measuring just 2 days off. My OB is keeping my due date the same. DH was able to come too and was amazed at how fast the little heart was beating. Seeing our baby and hearing the heart beat was such an overwhelming, relieving experience. I'm so happy!

Kidney cancer?

We got a call this morning that mom is in the hospital. They found abnormal levels in her bloodwork from her physical yesterday and sent her to the ER. They're running tests now to figure out what's causing the kidney failure. They think it might be cancer. I'm so scared. I hate it that I can't just go and see her. I hate living so far away from family. We'll see what her tests show and may go later. It's so hard to know what to do. I hate cancer. It scares me so much. Please say a prayer for her.

Father of the Bride II

I love this movie! I rented it the other day and have watched it twice. I cry within the first 10 minutes of the movie. It's so great! And I bawl when Bryan gets there just in time for Annie to have her baby! DH thinks I'm crazy. I just tell him I'm pregnant. :)

Our news is pretty much out to everyone now. DH let it spill to his whole office and most people had my work have heard also (I've been feeling so sick and people have been guessing). It makes me a little nervous since we still haven't heard a heartbeat and am only 8 weeks. It is wonderful to be able to talk to my mom and sister about everything.

I'm so grateful for this little blessing in our lives! Praying it's ours to keep!

Told the parents!

... finally! It took forever to get both web cams working, but we were able to tell them and see their reaction. Not quite as good as in person, but I couldn't wait another month! I just kind of blurted it out and I think it really stunned them, but they are so excited! It's driving them crazy that I haven't told my sister or brother yet. They are busting at the seams wanting to talk about it to everyone. I can't wait to tell my sister. I was hoping to do it on web cam again, but I don't think that will probably work out. I can't wait to see them all next month!

When I got home from work last night, DH busts out a bag from BRU. He went there for the first time ever all by himself and bought some preggie pops and pregnancy teas for me. He is such a sweetie. (But I think he was a little traumatized by BRU...) He wants to register at REI instead. :)

I'm back!

... and I'm so nauseated. All of the time. But I'm still pregnant, so it's okay! I'm starting to stress that I'm not able to eat much. Nothing sounds appealing to eat. I'm really trying to get something down every now and then, but just the thought of food makes me want to puke.
Our trip was nice. We told DH's family and they were excited. We just told them... nothing special like I wanted to do. Now I need to figure out how/when to tell my own family. I think I'll need to tell work very soon with how I'm feeling.
It is nice to feel pregnant, but I wished all of these "tricks" for dealing with m/s actually worked for me. I will deal with this nausea for the rest of the 33 weeks as long as I get to hold a healthy baby in my arms!

Uneventful appointment

It went well! I really like the OB... the nurse wasn't too friendly (she didn't even tell me her name, just for me to go pee in a cup). I felt a little rushed because my OB had someone about to deliver, but it was an okay appointment and said she could do an ultrasound in a few weeks :)

DH & I are leaving for the next week... yeah for a vacation! We'll be telling his family then. I think the floodgates will be open after that. I feel like even if we miscarry again, I want to tell everyone about this baby. I don't feel like my angel baby is ever acknowledged because no one knew about that one.

Praying for safe travels and a healthy baby!

1st appointment!

I have my first appointment tomorrow afternoon and I'm really looking forward to it but am also so nervous! I hope everything goes well. I'm creating a list of questions... I hope I ask the right questions. Here are the ones I have so far...
1) flu shot & H1N1 shots?
2) When to call? Who to call?
3) right PNV
4) any changes I should make with work (lifting, be on my feet, etc)
5) Appropriate weight gain for me?

I think I also ask to get my HCG & progesterone checked just for peace of mind. Could a heartbeat be heard at 5w5d? Probably too early...

So tired

I'm exhausted right now. Between the insomnia, three 14 hour days at work in a row, and my exhaustion from being pregnant, I can't wait to go to bed.

I'm so thrilled to be 5 weeks and 3 days! Most pregnant ever!

Okay, so now I'm going to bed.

Insomnia

It's about 3am here... I'm up as usual. Almost every night I've been up at this time because I am starving! I'm trying my best to eat healthy snacks (just had some yogurt). Now I can't fall back to sleep. This could be a problem on work days when I have to get up at 5am! I'm getting really nervous as I approach the 5w2d mark. I feel like I really need to get to week 6 to feel better.
Anyway, thank you to Alyssa for your help with my ticker! (I'm a little "tech-stupid") :)

5 weeks!

I'm so happy I've made it to 5 weeks, but really will feel good about making it to 6 weeks. I hoping to get to see someone on Friday, but DH and I are having a huge debate of midwife vs OB... I want a midwife, but DH wants an OB. I think I'm loosing that battle, so I'm hoping I can find an OB that has a midwife in the practice. (I haven't been able to find that yet, though). Right now I have an appointment set up with an OB that my PCP recommended, so we'll see if I stick with that.

Anyone know how to get whole my ticker to show up?

Dreams and telling

I had a miscarriage dream last night. :( I've had so many baby dreams in the past, but nothing since I got pregnant.

Yesterday, I went to our church's bookstore and got this "Expecting a miracle" book. The woman who was working there was so excited I'm pregnant. She said "A lot of people at this church are going to be very happy!" Then last night we told our priest (he's also a good friend who's our age). He was so happy for us and gave us a special blessing. DH had asked him to pray for us when we were TTC.

Starting to feel a little nauseated at times, but nothing too bad. I'm just glad I'm starting to feel more and more pregnant!

Symptoms!

I am so excited to be getting symptoms! My breasts are a little sore and every smell is driving me crazy! Yippie! Now, bring on the morning sickness!

I'm sure I'll eat my words in no time... especially when I'm on a cruise in a few weeks!

Still spotting-free! I'm so glad and hopeful!

Things are good... I hope

I think this little spotting was a reminder I need to cool it a little at work. I am on my feet for at least 10 out of 12 hours of my shift. I can't be doing all of the moving and lifting I'm used to. It's not worth the risk. I'm being so cautious with everything else right now (no caffeine, keeping HR <150 at the gym, no lunchmeat, etc). I had myself convinced I was going to miscarry. It's like a survival mechanism to not get too attached & plan for the worse.

Good news is I am no longer spotting. I'll be going to my primary doctor Friday and hope to have some labs drawn. I'm not sure when I'll get to see an OB. I'm trying to find if my insurance covers a midwife group that was recommended (and I'm trying to convince DH that I don't need an "MD" to have a baby).

Thank you so much for your prayers! All looks good at this point!

Spotting...

Yesterday I was busy at work running around, pushing beds & lifting patients. On the drive home I felt some strong cramping that lasted just a second, then I had some spotting when I came home. I was so terrified last night. But so far, no more spotting, but this is just how my m/c started last time. I had spotting, then bleeding about 12-20 hours later. Good news is that I was canceled at work today, so will be able to relax a little more. I'm still hopeful for this pregnancy, but I'm even more scared to be so. I don't want to get my hopes up.

Praying...

Told DH!

I told DH on Thursday after he got home from work. All day I was thinking of cutsie ways to tell him, like taking him back to the place he proposed (right outside of our church). Instead, DH was saying something about me eating healthy just in case I was pregnant and I made some comment to imply that I was and gave him "a look". (Obviously I don't really remember what was said). His face was perfect! He was so excited and came over and hugged me and kept telling me "Congratulations!" It was pretty darn cute.

I tested again Friday morning with a digital and left it for DH to see. His comment was "well, that sure takes out the guess-work". Anyway, so far I have no big symptoms other than feeling some mild cramping (just slightly different from AF cramps) and feeling gassy. DH keeps asking me if I feel sick yet.




I'm incredibly excited, but a bit nervous that I'm really excited. I don't want to be hurt by another m/c and I'm afraid that the more excited I get the worse it will hurt. But right now I have my baby, I love my baby, and I'm praying hard I'll get to keep my baby.

So Excited & So Scared!

I tested yesterday... BFN.

I tested today... BFP! It's faint, but it's pretty early still. I'm so incredibly happy and excited, but I'm so scared. I'm shaking still. I keep looking over at it to make sure it really is a BFP. It still is! :) This is definitely a different experience than my last BFP. I don't trust it yet, but I do. I don't know. I'm so emotional! It's been 17 months since I m/c. I've been hoping for so long for this! I'm so thankful for this awesome blessing in my life! I'm praying that I may be able to keep this baby and hold him/her in my arms.

Pretty sure it's positive!

Welcome to the world Evan!

Andrea had baby Evan yesterday! I'm so happy that she has her baby, healthy and safe in her arms. Congrats to her and husband Matt! Andrea has been such a huge support to me via the blogging world and I have loved following her story. She miscarried her first pregnancy at about the same point in her pregnancy as me, so I feel a special connection to her and she has given me so much hope.

Big Decision

Whoa... DH just presented me with a huge decision last night. Apparently, he's being offered a new job (in his same company) but this would require moving. Not to Europe... to small town Ohio. Neither of us have ever lived in a small town, only suburbs of big cities. He wants me to tell him if I'm up for it or not. It would be a good opportunity for him job-wise (he's always stressed and hates the job he's in now) and would be within driving distance of our families. But we would be leaving our house and the area that I've always imagined raising my kids. One of the biggest things I'd miss would be our church and all of the wonderful friendships we have made there. We are so blessed with such an amazing church and have both really grown in our faiths because of it. I know that the churches in the area we would be moving to in northern Ohio would be tiny and nothing like we have now. Maybe it's time to take a step of faith and do what's best for my husband and be close to family once again. I could actually start going back to visit my family more often. But we are so established where we are now and I love it here.

Obviously, I'm torn. DH wants to talk more about all of this tonight. I've been thinking and praying a lot about it and still don't know what I think.

What's on my mind

DH is traveling again... all week this time. I miss him.

I was really disappointed to have to miss another big family event... my nephew's baptism. But my sister just called to tell me they rescheduled it and I might be able to go! (If I can find good priced tickets). I really miss being able to stop by and celebrate life's joys with family. It always has to be such a process living so far away.

I haven't charted again this cycle. I kind of wish I would have. I have always charted to TTA, so am taking a break now that we are TTC. But it's killing me not being sure when exactly I ovulated. I certainly have an idea based on mucus, but I don't have my BBT to back it up. I hope we've hit our BD window, but am trying hard not to be confident in this cycle. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. But I'm still praying.

Keeping busy

I've been keeping busy with work. DH has been doing the same. In addition to traveling a ton, he's working late nights and working while he's at home. I'm hoping to try to read more and watch less TV. My sister got me hooked on the Shopaholic books. I'm almost finished with the second one. I'm working out moderately, have cut out caffeine and am trying my best to eat healthy. I've gained enough weight to put me in the "normal" range for my BMI. I'm hoping that will help with my BFP chances. It's difficult to weigh more, but I'm going to need to fight that battle hard for the sake of a future child! It's worth it and I'm doing okay so far, but am a little frightened of pregnancy weight. I just need to stay healthy.
I'm holding out hope for this month despite DH's travels... a May baby would be just perfect! Praying that God agrees!

I don't want to be patient any more

AF showed. No more hope for an April baby. I'm even more upset because DH is traveling a ton this coming month and it's when I will probably o! I'm so frustrated that we could not have started trying a month earlier when we were both in town and this BD thing would have worked out much better. Maybe I would already be pregnant.
I know I need to be patient and realize this is in God's hands, but it stinks.

Nope...

BFN this morning. I'm stilling holding out a tiny bit of hope since my FMU was pretty diluted (I've been drinking tons of water lately). I also didn't get my last BFP until CD 30-something and today's only CD 27.
It's been tough to be patient these days.

Debating

I'm debating when to test... I don't know for sure how many DPO I am because I didn't chart this cycle (I've been charting for almost 4 years, so this was a very nice break!) But according to my calculations based on previous cycles, we BD 2 days before O.. perfect! (I hope). But for some reason I have a strong feeling that I am not pregnant. The only phantom symptom that I have right now is one (yes, only one) sore breast and that may just be because I sleep on that side. I have been helping with my nephews, so I've been really tired. I've stayed away from caffeine successfully (besides a few sips of soda). Anyway, I think I'm 7DPO right now. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up. Having spent the past week with my new nephew (who is so sweet and cuddly and adorable) is making me crazy not to have a baby of my own.

Success

Success! At least in the BD department... here's hoping it was all worthwhile! I'm spending this week with my nephews which is a blast, but exhausting. These boys definitely need cousins! I really don't get the "when are you having kids?" from my extended family like I used to. Maybe word has spread about my m/c, so they don't ask me. I don't mind that so much! Especially since we are now trying (which I don't really want to advertise to my family). I have gotten the question a lot at work recently.

We'll see if we were actually successful in just a couple of weeks! I'm really trying not to get my hopes up too high since we only got one BD in this cycle. But I'm sure praying hard!

Baby dream

I had a beautiful baby dream last night. It was so wonderful that I hit snooze multiple times just in hope that my dream would continue. In my dream I had a beautiful home birth (my neighbor was my doula) and gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl. The birth wasn't even very painful (yeah...dream on!). She had a head full of dark hair and was perfect! I just remember holding her and being so proud and in love. I love these baby dreams (I've had a few), but they make me long for my baby even more. I wonder if the baby I lost was a girl because I tend to dream about having a baby girl.

My only chance to get pregnant this cycle is if I convince DH to sneak out to BD this weekend... he's not on board with that at all. I'm hoping I'll be able to seduce him :) and I'm praying that we can get pregnant! I'm not counting on it though... Once again, I'm trying to be patient for God's timing.

Disappointed

Not pregnant... AF showed up. Now next month doesn't look hopeful. DH will be traveling for a week and then I leave for almost 2 weeks. The only time we'll see each other (when there's a chance for me to get pregnant) is at an out of town wedding. I don't think I'll be able to get DH to sneak out and get me pregnant, but it could be an interesting story someday if we do!
Oh well... keeping it in God's hands. (While begging and pleading with Him in the meantime).

New nephew!

My sister had her baby this past weekend. I got to see them via webcam and he is sooo cute! He has a ton of hair and is so cuddly and precious. Times like this make me miss being closer to my family. I'm planning to stay with my sister for a week next month and help her out. I'm really looking forward to meeting my nephew and seeing my sister!
Two more girls at work are now expecting. I'm happy for them! Lots of prayers that my turn will be next.

Bad timing

Our summertime TTC may be a little difficult. Apparently it's easier if DH & I are in the same state to make a baby. I will be out of town during the next 2 cycles at the time I should be o'ing. It's not even DH's crazy business trips that are getting in the way this time. It's my own travels! Then the next month, we have to get pregnant or else TTC will be on hold for a couple of months because of a wedding next year. I don't think I can wait any more! I sure hope it somehow happens soon!

I'm still obsessed with baby stuff. I have lists galore of to-do's, baby item purchases, nursery plans, etc. I even picked out the travel system I want! Did you know Bed Bath & Beyond has baby stuff now?! I think that's fantastic!

I really hope I'm not setting myself up for extreme dissappointment.

June already?!

Here's what I've been up to lately...

I've just spent most of my free time this past week reading through MckMama's blog. I'm still not finished, but I had started following it last fall, but had never read from the beginning (as I do with most of the blogs I follow). Sometimes blogs are better than my novels I love to read. I love stories of real life, struggles and joys.

Discussing the possiblity of living in Europe... DH has been struggling with job stuff. He's not happy in his current position. One of his coworkers revealed a few opportunities opening up and he's opted to voice his interest in the one in Europe! We have discussed this possibility before and I would be very nervous about it, but would be on board for the adventure. It would most likely be only for a few years and wouldn't probably happen for about a year. Hopefully having a newborn in tow would be an extra challenge in that adventure!

Cleaning/Nesting: With TTC efforts in full speed ahead this summer, I'm starting to nest already! The room that will be our first nursery is currently my "office." I planned from the beginning for this to be a nursery. It's a gorgeous calming blue color (regardless of the baby's gender, it will remain blue). My desk will move downstairs, and I'll have to relocate all of my "junk" (I'm a bit of a pack-rat). I've been trying to weed through all of that stuff now.

So, that's what I've been up to!

Nothing to say

I haven't known what to blog about lately, so I haven't blogged. Not too much has been happening lately. Work, household chores, church stuff, and work. I can't wait to have something to blog about... stay tuned for a more interesting summer hopefully!

For the time being, I'm living vicariously through you, my blogger friends, and rooting you along in your adventures in life!

Things I'm looking forward to

I'm so ready to be pregnant. I'm so fearful that I will never be or will never hold my baby. I'm trying to be more positive and have actually cut back on coffee hoping to increase my odds of getting pregnant and staying that way! (This is big for me... I'm a huge coffee drinker, especially when I have to work night shift.)

So here's my list of pregnancy-related things I'm looking forward to...
1) Seeing a nice dark BFP
2) Telling our families (especially my mom and sister)
3) Enjoying every moment of nausea, exhaustion, and trip to the bathroom because I know it will be because I'm pregnant
4) Hearing the heartbeat
5) Seeing DH be excited about our baby!
6) Having something in common with many of the other women in my life
7) Showing off my baby bump
8) Decorating the nursery
9) Feeling our child growing inside of me.
10) Being able to be included with the other mothers on mother's day

that's it for now... I'm sure I can come up with more!

jealous and scared

I'm having a difficult time right now. I'm really struggling with jealousy when I hear of someone getting pregnant. I found out tonight that my sister-in-law is pregnant. This will be her second. Her first was born the day I started to miscarry. I'm so jealous and am having a hard time feeling happy for her even though I should. I just feel like pregnancy news is becoming a weekly thing. Here are all of the pregnant women I know right now: my sister, my SIL, 3 girls at work, 1 at DH's work, & 2 college friends. I really hate feeling so jealous. I want to be happy for everyone, but I'm really struggling with how I really feel and don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it.

I'm scared too. I've started really stressing and fearing that I won't be able to get pregnant again for a really long time and I've wasted all of my younger years because DH is stubborn and wants to plan each child to the T. There is no reason we need to be waiting all of this time. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know that God will bless us with a child on our time. I really feel like we need to just trust Him and I'm scared that because we're not, I won't be able to have a baby. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm scared I'll be punished for not trusting more.

I just want to cry right now, but I don't feel like I can explain things to DH, so I'm keeping my emotions stuffed in. DH has been talking about Mother's Day coming up. We'll be seeing my MIL & SIL that day. DH made a comment about them being the mothers and that really made me feel sad. I'm a mother too. I just have no precious baby in my arms.

Vacation!

DH and I went on vacation! It was so wonderful to get away from it all and spend time with each other. We talked, we read, we took pictures, and we played scrabble! All the things we love to do... we're such dorks!
Not much else to blog about lately, so that's all.

Trying to be patient

I'm trying really hard to be patient. I am a really patient person, but I'm so stinkin' anxious & excited to get pregnant again that I can't stand it! Luckily, the coming months will be very busy with trips and weddings and work.

This Lent & Easter time has been really great. I've been reading the daily readings everyday or going to daily Mass. I'm also reading "Life-Giving Love" by Kimberly Hahn. It's been really insightful and encouraging. Anyway, I spent 6 hours at church yesterday for Good Friday services. For 3 of those hours, I just sat and prayed and thought. It was so peaceful. The teens at our church did the "Living Stations" which was so incredibly powerful it brought tears to my eyes. The more I learn about my faith, the more I am moved and amazed at God's immense love. We'll be going to the Easter Vigil in the morning and then having friends over for a late lunch. I'm putting together Easter eggs for their kids to look for.

I can't help but think about last year at Easter. I found out I was pregnant just after. A woman at church on Easter had asked us our names so she could pray for us to have kids. Only God had known I was pregnant at that time.

In God's perfect time, I suppose...

A new month, a new beginning

I feel as though the next year will be filled with blessings. I feel as though some prayers have already been answered. DH is open to a baby sooner! I have been praying for this for a long time. He has been so concerned about the economy and really wants to travel more before we start a family. So we are budgeting more and we are traveling a lot in the next 7 months. So that means a we will actively start trying again SOON! Now we just have to plan it just right so we don't miss out on important weddings and trips (but I still wouldn't mind that too much!)

One year ago...

My family was celebrating my new nephew's birth.
But then I started spotting at work. I kept telling myself that this was normal in early pregnancy, but I was still worried. I got home and was bleeding. I knew it was over. DH was working late that night. I fell asleep crying with the lights on. I woke up at 4am the next morning... the bleeding continued. It really was over. I bawled all morning... it woke DH up and he came and hugged me. I still went to work. I cried the whole drive there and on the phone with my sister. I cried off and on at work. I acted happy when I saw my in-laws that night... I acted interested in hearing all about their new grandson. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I still went to work the next day...

I can't beleive it has been a year. Celebrating my nephew's first birthday is certainly bittersweet. It also marks the anniversary of loosing my baby. I will be glad when this time passes. It's been difficult. But I know God has plans for my future... and I'm praying a baby will be a part of that plan.

Difficult week...

I didn't realize how difficult this week would be. I was pregnant one year ago. This is the anniversary of the week I found out I was pregnant, then later lost the baby. I thought after a year it wouldn't be on my mind quite as much, but these dates are such strong reminders. I so want to have my baby in my arms right now. I still get so mad at God for taking my baby... it's so difficult to understand why this happened. I'm keeping very busy this week, so hopefully this time will pass and only get better.

Spring

I love spring.
I love more hours of sunlight, flowers blooming, warm & sunny days, and surprise snow storms.
I love the feeling of hope and life that spring brings.
I love that Easter is just around the corner.

I just don't love that this time of year now reminds me of loosing my baby.

Sad dream

What does this one mean?!?
I've had some strange dreams, but this one was very sad and overwhelming. I dreamt I was dying... I dreamt about letters I wrote to everyone in my family and to my DH. I made plans to be holding my Willow Tree angel my mom gave me when I died. I talked to DH about how excited I was to see my angel baby.
I woke up crying and couldn’t stop thinking about my dream all day.

What are the odds...

If I get pregnant this cycle, my EDD will be the same as it should have been last year. I can't believe it's almost been a year since this journey began. I can't wait to be moving on the the next journey in my life. I spent a wonderful week with my sister and talked a lot about motherhood and babies... She actually helped me to realize I need to appreciate and enjoy this season of life. I've been blessed with many things. I hope to be blessed with the gift of a child someday soon.

St. Valentine's Day

It was an unusual Valentine's Day. DH and I met with the Confirmation class leaders to plan the retreat for next week, which went really well. Then I went to a funeral for a woman I used to work with. That was difficult. She was such an amazing woman and will really be missed. Her life made such an impact on so many people. Then I went to church to pray for a while which was really good. Then DH and I had red wine, crackers, cheese, and strawberries while we played Scrabble. For dinner, we had Chinese and watched "Fireproof" (which was really good despite the amateur acting). It was a good night, but ended with me puking for a good hour... what a romantic end to the evening!

Taking some time for God

I'm taking a break from The Nest... a difficult thing for me to do... first time in over a year. I've been so interested in the stories of those wonderful women, but I need to focus on real life. I need to stop wasting time on the computer. It's been too difficult to be there without the hope of a baby in my near future. And as my anniversary of my m/c coming up, I don't want to dwell on the past and what could of been. I need to focus on my future and the now.

I've been more and more involved at church and working with the high schoolers there. It's taught me so much and has really connected me back with my faith and with God. My faith is so important to me, but I don't live that reality out. I'm working on that. I have a list of new books I want to read and have been spending more time at church and in prayer. It's been good for me. I'll continue to keep the nest women and all women who are going through a miscarriage in my prayers.

I'm so emotional today

I don't know why other than AF hormones reeking havoc. I've been so lonely lately with DH traveling 3 weeks in a row. I'm grateful he's been home for the weekends. DH and I spent a lot of the morning talking which was good, but reinforced money stresses and TTC stresses. We are both struggling with being incredibly jealous of our siblings. I'm also having a hard time because my entire family, except DH and I, are at my parent's celebrating my nephew's 3rd birthday. I should be there. I'm his Godmother and I'm not there for his birthday party. I so want to be home more, but that costs money and time off work. I miss my family and really hate that their so far away. On a good note, my sister is coming to visit soon, so that will be wonderful!

Okay, pitty party over. Time to get some laundry done! Oh the joys in my life.

Aching for my baby tonight

I think things are worse right now because DH is traveling and I'm feeling really lonely. I just am in tears because I just want my baby right now. I'm sick of cycle after cyle, hoping for a surprise BFP that I know isn't going to happen. I'm really excited about my sister visiting next month, but it will be hard in some ways with her being quite pregnant.
I'm dreaming and aching for a baby to hold. When it finally happens I will enjoy every moment of the sleepless nights. I want to experience the joys and frustrations of being a mother. I've been praying lots for patience until God blesses us with a baby. I pray that we will get that blessing soon.

I have a secret...

I have a secret baby box in the closet of my office (the room that will become the nursery some day). This box has the following items:

1) Memories of my angel baby & m/c experience:
+HPT-gross, I know, but it's my only proof of my pregnancy and I can't let go of it
my brief pregnancy journal
2 books about m/c
2) the Mayo guide to pregnancy book
3) my stash of HPTs (3FRER & 4 digitals)
4) a pregnancy planner
5) a pacifier
6) a bib

I'm starting to stash info/tips for when my time does come. I'm getting excited that it may be this year!!!

Friends with kids

Yet another post about wanting a baby...

We are (as my FIL would call us) DINKs (dual income no kids). I'm done being a DINK, but DH really wants the dual part of the income for as long as possible and we have agreed I will be a stay at home mom (maybe just work a couple of shifts a month if necessary). I feel like I am done with my career- I've gone as far as I want to with it. I'm ready to join the rest of our age group and friends and have babies!
I know it's not a reason to have kids, but we are now falling far behind our friends.
K&E= 9 month old son
A&P= 13 month old son
C&R= 3 yr old son & 18 month old daughter
S&J= 3 yr old daughter & 14 month old son
G&M= 3 yr old son & expecting #2

Needless to say, when we get together with friends, there are almost always kids around! I've had a 6 day block of time off work this past week and we've gotten together with 3 of these couples. DH is so good with these kids! (He's still not too sure what to do with infants, but I've explained to him that's what mommies are for). I can't wait to be a Mommy and I know DH will be a wonderful Daddy.

Happy New Year!

I'm praying that this year will bring many blessings... there are many things to look forward to.

*my sister coming for another visit!
*3 weddings this summer
*a new niece or nephew arriving in June
*becoming closer to God
*a healthier and more productive lifestyle
*another vacation with DH (a baby-making one!)
*and hopefully a BFP and a healthy, sticky baby!