One month

Today marks one month since I started to m/c. I'm doing much better, but still have constant thoughts about the "what ifs"
What if..
... I hadn't babysat for my friend's sick kid and gotten the stomach flu a week before my BFP
... I had gone to the ER when I started spotting (I was already at the hospital at work after all)
... I had not taken the preg tests when I did (maybe I would never had known I was preg and had avoided all of this emotional roller-coaster)
... there's something wrong with me and I'll have multiple m/c's like my mom and never be able to have a baby

Lonely

I talked to DH yesterday about wanting to get pregnant again soon... he is pretty set on waiting. I've been thinking a lot about it and maybe I'm not anxious to have a baby for the right reasons. I wonder how much of my desire to start a family is my own loneliness. My entire family is at least 18 hours away and I really don't have any close friends here yet. DH is it. My BIL & SIL are out here, but that's a little different. They are significantly older and pretty busy with their own lives. I'm just bored with my life. I'm ready to move on. I want to not be lonely anymore.

Nice Weekend & SIL rant

DH & I escaped for a romantic get-away for our anniversary this past weekend. We read books, played games, watched movies, sat by the fire and talked, ate ice cream, ate cheese, drank wine... it was nice! But now it's on with the daily routine of life.

My BIL & SIL seem to be struggling with being new parents. I've never truly been a parent, so maybe I shouldn't even judge, but I can't help but think if it were me, I would be able to be a great mother and enjoy it! I feel so resentful toward them sometimes. My SIL was the one who was supposed to have a difficult time getting pregnant and a difficult pregnancy, and she gets pregnant in no time and with no major problems. Now it seems like she's not enjoying being a mother and can't handle the job with help from the grandmas! Ugh... I feel awful about myself for feeling so ill toward her, but I just do and I can express that here.

Up & Down weekend

My 3 week old nephew is getting baptized tomorrow... another emotional/jealous time. I hate being so jealous of my SIL- I'm not a jealous person usually. Good news is that my DH & I are leaving right after for 3 days away for our anniversary! :) It's just to bad it can't be a baby-making trip!

DH doesn't understand

I've been just plain sad lately. Especially when we go to see my BIL & his wife and their beautiful new baby. DH knows something is wrong but can't really figure out what or why. I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't think he understands and just makes comments about "when the time's right" and "this time wasn't meant to be". I hate it that we aren't even trying anytime soon. I really want to try sooner. This pregnancy and then m/c was an awful tug-of-war on my emotions. It took me a little while to be excited, but then I was so excited and planning for my future as a mother and dreaming about my baby. Now that's all I want. I want a baby. I want to be a mother. In the 3 days that I was aware I was pregnant, I had put together a "pregnancy binder". I had put in the pregnancy checklist I found on thenestbaby.com and cut outs/pictures of nursery furniture I liked and bedding I liked. I had baby books on hold at the library which I luckily remembered to cancel before they came in.

I got a sweet note from the tech who did my emergent ultrasound at the hospital. She was so sweet and really made the whole process a little easier.

Trying to figure out why

Here are my irrational thoughts of why I m/c'd:
1) Caffeine: I've always told myself that I would not drink caffeine if I got pregnant. I drank a ton of coffee before my BFP and then I had a tiny bit of coke on the day I m/c.
2) Microwaves & massive printer/copier at work
3) Huge fight/argument w/ DH.
4) Terrible stomach flu 10 days before BFP when I didn't eat for 3 days.
5) I used all kinds of cleaners/chemicals the week I m/c, cleaning in prep for my in-laws to visit.
6) I wasn't excited enough when I found out I was pregnant.

I also have the terrible feeling that maybe I could have prevented the m/c by going to the ER when I started spotting, before the bleeding got too bad. It was all over by the time I saw my doctor.

Resolution

Tuesday I had my doctor's appointment after my m/c to make sure everything was okay. The urine preg test was negative by then... they did draw blood to check my hcg level, but I don't know what it was. On exam, she was worried it might have been ectopic so she quickly sent me to the hospital to have a stat ultrasound. The tech was incredible and very sympathetic of my situation. Luckily everything came out fine and I was even told I have a "beautiful uterus". :)
That morning, DH had talked to a woman at work about what was going on and it was wonderful that he did! She had been through a m/c and explained to DH what kind of support I needed and what I was going through. DH showed up at the hospital unexpectedly while I was waiting for the results of my ultrasound and was a great support for the first time since all of this happened. So now I have some resolution which makes things a little better.

My crying now is sort of unpredictable, but I at least know I'm okay if I keep busy and don't have time to just sit and think. Church was so difficult this Sunday... of course there was a baptism. Pregnancies and babies are everywhere and I'm so sick of it! And of course with my new nephew... I'm constantly involved in discussions about babies... and looking at pictures of babies... and I just want to be having a baby!

the flowers my wonderful Mom sent after I told her about my m/c