One year ago...

My family was celebrating my new nephew's birth.
But then I started spotting at work. I kept telling myself that this was normal in early pregnancy, but I was still worried. I got home and was bleeding. I knew it was over. DH was working late that night. I fell asleep crying with the lights on. I woke up at 4am the next morning... the bleeding continued. It really was over. I bawled all morning... it woke DH up and he came and hugged me. I still went to work. I cried the whole drive there and on the phone with my sister. I cried off and on at work. I acted happy when I saw my in-laws that night... I acted interested in hearing all about their new grandson. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I still went to work the next day...

I can't beleive it has been a year. Celebrating my nephew's first birthday is certainly bittersweet. It also marks the anniversary of loosing my baby. I will be glad when this time passes. It's been difficult. But I know God has plans for my future... and I'm praying a baby will be a part of that plan.

Difficult week...

I didn't realize how difficult this week would be. I was pregnant one year ago. This is the anniversary of the week I found out I was pregnant, then later lost the baby. I thought after a year it wouldn't be on my mind quite as much, but these dates are such strong reminders. I so want to have my baby in my arms right now. I still get so mad at God for taking my baby... it's so difficult to understand why this happened. I'm keeping very busy this week, so hopefully this time will pass and only get better.

Spring

I love spring.
I love more hours of sunlight, flowers blooming, warm & sunny days, and surprise snow storms.
I love the feeling of hope and life that spring brings.
I love that Easter is just around the corner.

I just don't love that this time of year now reminds me of loosing my baby.

Sad dream

What does this one mean?!?
I've had some strange dreams, but this one was very sad and overwhelming. I dreamt I was dying... I dreamt about letters I wrote to everyone in my family and to my DH. I made plans to be holding my Willow Tree angel my mom gave me when I died. I talked to DH about how excited I was to see my angel baby.
I woke up crying and couldn’t stop thinking about my dream all day.

What are the odds...

If I get pregnant this cycle, my EDD will be the same as it should have been last year. I can't believe it's almost been a year since this journey began. I can't wait to be moving on the the next journey in my life. I spent a wonderful week with my sister and talked a lot about motherhood and babies... She actually helped me to realize I need to appreciate and enjoy this season of life. I've been blessed with many things. I hope to be blessed with the gift of a child someday soon.