DH doesn't understand

I've been just plain sad lately. Especially when we go to see my BIL & his wife and their beautiful new baby. DH knows something is wrong but can't really figure out what or why. I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't think he understands and just makes comments about "when the time's right" and "this time wasn't meant to be". I hate it that we aren't even trying anytime soon. I really want to try sooner. This pregnancy and then m/c was an awful tug-of-war on my emotions. It took me a little while to be excited, but then I was so excited and planning for my future as a mother and dreaming about my baby. Now that's all I want. I want a baby. I want to be a mother. In the 3 days that I was aware I was pregnant, I had put together a "pregnancy binder". I had put in the pregnancy checklist I found on thenestbaby.com and cut outs/pictures of nursery furniture I liked and bedding I liked. I had baby books on hold at the library which I luckily remembered to cancel before they came in.

I got a sweet note from the tech who did my emergent ultrasound at the hospital. She was so sweet and really made the whole process a little easier.

Trying to figure out why

Here are my irrational thoughts of why I m/c'd:
1) Caffeine: I've always told myself that I would not drink caffeine if I got pregnant. I drank a ton of coffee before my BFP and then I had a tiny bit of coke on the day I m/c.
2) Microwaves & massive printer/copier at work
3) Huge fight/argument w/ DH.
4) Terrible stomach flu 10 days before BFP when I didn't eat for 3 days.
5) I used all kinds of cleaners/chemicals the week I m/c, cleaning in prep for my in-laws to visit.
6) I wasn't excited enough when I found out I was pregnant.

I also have the terrible feeling that maybe I could have prevented the m/c by going to the ER when I started spotting, before the bleeding got too bad. It was all over by the time I saw my doctor.

Resolution

Tuesday I had my doctor's appointment after my m/c to make sure everything was okay. The urine preg test was negative by then... they did draw blood to check my hcg level, but I don't know what it was. On exam, she was worried it might have been ectopic so she quickly sent me to the hospital to have a stat ultrasound. The tech was incredible and very sympathetic of my situation. Luckily everything came out fine and I was even told I have a "beautiful uterus". :)
That morning, DH had talked to a woman at work about what was going on and it was wonderful that he did! She had been through a m/c and explained to DH what kind of support I needed and what I was going through. DH showed up at the hospital unexpectedly while I was waiting for the results of my ultrasound and was a great support for the first time since all of this happened. So now I have some resolution which makes things a little better.

My crying now is sort of unpredictable, but I at least know I'm okay if I keep busy and don't have time to just sit and think. Church was so difficult this Sunday... of course there was a baptism. Pregnancies and babies are everywhere and I'm so sick of it! And of course with my new nephew... I'm constantly involved in discussions about babies... and looking at pictures of babies... and I just want to be having a baby!

the flowers my wonderful Mom sent after I told her about my m/c

Emotional week

I'm not pregnant anymore. I started cramping and then bleeding on Thursday night. By Friday morning it was pretty AF... I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I'm just paying attention to make sure I don't bleed too much and have an appointment set up with primary doc on Tuesday. I don't even have an OB/GYN yet. I guess it's good that this happened so early- before we told anyone and before I had any doctor's appointments. It's still so hard and so sad. I went through all the emotions of finding out I was pregnant and getting worried and getting excited and then I miscarry. I was only in my 5th week. Happily and sadly, my sister in law had her baby on Thursday. So I'm surrounded by babies and excitement about pregnancies and I hate it right now. DH doesn't even have a clue. He thinks that maybe I wasn't even pregnant and just had a really long cycle and the multiple pregnancy tests that showed faint lines were just wrong. I don't want him to say that. I was pregnant and I lost the baby. That was my biggest fear. I have always been so terrified of miscarrying one day. My mom went through at least 3 that I know of and I saw how hard it was on her- I remember it being hard on me and I was only a kid. I'm looking forward to Tuesday to just make sure everything is okay. I don't know if she'll be able to tell at that point, but I kind of do want confirmation that I was in fact pregnant and that nothing's wrong with me and I will be able to have a baby someday.

It's positive?!

Whoa! So DH & I have been slacking on our NFP rules, have kind of gotten to the point of not trying, but not trying to prevent so much... We knew we were tempting fate when we did not wait for any temperature shift (even though I thought I was past the fertile mucus). I really didn't think I had gotten pregnant this cycle, but after 35 days pass... I tested... and got a very very faint line. Now I know FMU is best to use, but I was so stunned and unsure if I was seeing things, that I proceed with 5 more tests... some looking negative, but the majority with that very faint positive. I know that a line is a line... but I can't help but not really believe it until it's a more obvious positive. So, now I think I'm pregnant! Whoa!














4 of the HPT I took... all very faint +

I really don't have any symptoms... just have felt like AF is coming for the past week or so. Also, I've been getting really nauseated whenever I'm using any cleaning supplies. (My in-laws are coming to stay with us on Friday for who knows how long and I'm trying to clean the house like a mad woman).
On Saturday, we bought plane tickets for Thanksgiving. My EDD is the day before Thanksgiving. Great...

On Easter Sunday, we went to Mass at the Cathedral downtown. At the end of Mass, there was an older woman sitting behind us and asked us when we were going to have kids. She proceeded to ask us our names so she could pray for us to have kids. I think that woman has some kind of incredible pull with God! (That's how I told DH).

Bummed out...

No terrible reason why, but it's a blah day today. We just got back from a wonderful cruise to cold weather and piles of work. My first day back to work in 2 weeks was terrible and I want to become a mom so I can quit. I am having such bad cramps I didn't start feeling good enough to move until 1pm. I'm feeling really lonely. My friend who said she would call me back this morning still hasn't. So of course I'm wasting my day away watching movies and not being productive which makes me feel worse about myself. What a rut.

Baby Shower... the results

Things went well, I think! Here are some photos of the decor...
(the diaper cake pic was posted last month)

The flowers... by MIL


The cupcakes... pacifier topper by me!