jealous and scared

I'm having a difficult time right now. I'm really struggling with jealousy when I hear of someone getting pregnant. I found out tonight that my sister-in-law is pregnant. This will be her second. Her first was born the day I started to miscarry. I'm so jealous and am having a hard time feeling happy for her even though I should. I just feel like pregnancy news is becoming a weekly thing. Here are all of the pregnant women I know right now: my sister, my SIL, 3 girls at work, 1 at DH's work, & 2 college friends. I really hate feeling so jealous. I want to be happy for everyone, but I'm really struggling with how I really feel and don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it.

I'm scared too. I've started really stressing and fearing that I won't be able to get pregnant again for a really long time and I've wasted all of my younger years because DH is stubborn and wants to plan each child to the T. There is no reason we need to be waiting all of this time. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know that God will bless us with a child on our time. I really feel like we need to just trust Him and I'm scared that because we're not, I won't be able to have a baby. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm scared I'll be punished for not trusting more.

I just want to cry right now, but I don't feel like I can explain things to DH, so I'm keeping my emotions stuffed in. DH has been talking about Mother's Day coming up. We'll be seeing my MIL & SIL that day. DH made a comment about them being the mothers and that really made me feel sad. I'm a mother too. I just have no precious baby in my arms.

Vacation!

DH and I went on vacation! It was so wonderful to get away from it all and spend time with each other. We talked, we read, we took pictures, and we played scrabble! All the things we love to do... we're such dorks!
Not much else to blog about lately, so that's all.

Trying to be patient

I'm trying really hard to be patient. I am a really patient person, but I'm so stinkin' anxious & excited to get pregnant again that I can't stand it! Luckily, the coming months will be very busy with trips and weddings and work.

This Lent & Easter time has been really great. I've been reading the daily readings everyday or going to daily Mass. I'm also reading "Life-Giving Love" by Kimberly Hahn. It's been really insightful and encouraging. Anyway, I spent 6 hours at church yesterday for Good Friday services. For 3 of those hours, I just sat and prayed and thought. It was so peaceful. The teens at our church did the "Living Stations" which was so incredibly powerful it brought tears to my eyes. The more I learn about my faith, the more I am moved and amazed at God's immense love. We'll be going to the Easter Vigil in the morning and then having friends over for a late lunch. I'm putting together Easter eggs for their kids to look for.

I can't help but think about last year at Easter. I found out I was pregnant just after. A woman at church on Easter had asked us our names so she could pray for us to have kids. Only God had known I was pregnant at that time.

In God's perfect time, I suppose...

A new month, a new beginning

I feel as though the next year will be filled with blessings. I feel as though some prayers have already been answered. DH is open to a baby sooner! I have been praying for this for a long time. He has been so concerned about the economy and really wants to travel more before we start a family. So we are budgeting more and we are traveling a lot in the next 7 months. So that means a we will actively start trying again SOON! Now we just have to plan it just right so we don't miss out on important weddings and trips (but I still wouldn't mind that too much!)

One year ago...

My family was celebrating my new nephew's birth.
But then I started spotting at work. I kept telling myself that this was normal in early pregnancy, but I was still worried. I got home and was bleeding. I knew it was over. DH was working late that night. I fell asleep crying with the lights on. I woke up at 4am the next morning... the bleeding continued. It really was over. I bawled all morning... it woke DH up and he came and hugged me. I still went to work. I cried the whole drive there and on the phone with my sister. I cried off and on at work. I acted happy when I saw my in-laws that night... I acted interested in hearing all about their new grandson. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I still went to work the next day...

I can't beleive it has been a year. Celebrating my nephew's first birthday is certainly bittersweet. It also marks the anniversary of loosing my baby. I will be glad when this time passes. It's been difficult. But I know God has plans for my future... and I'm praying a baby will be a part of that plan.

Difficult week...

I didn't realize how difficult this week would be. I was pregnant one year ago. This is the anniversary of the week I found out I was pregnant, then later lost the baby. I thought after a year it wouldn't be on my mind quite as much, but these dates are such strong reminders. I so want to have my baby in my arms right now. I still get so mad at God for taking my baby... it's so difficult to understand why this happened. I'm keeping very busy this week, so hopefully this time will pass and only get better.

Spring

I love spring.
I love more hours of sunlight, flowers blooming, warm & sunny days, and surprise snow storms.
I love the feeling of hope and life that spring brings.
I love that Easter is just around the corner.

I just don't love that this time of year now reminds me of loosing my baby.