Emotionally burnt out

Work is really getting to me. Too much sadness, stress, and death. Christmas eve I found out about two of our former patients who had been on our unit for months had died. One of those was the woman I did CPR on months ago who had gotten her heart transplant last month. She suddenly took a turn for the worse and didn't make it. Then the day after Christmas two patients died on our unit. Both were comfort care, but it was still so sad. One was so young and the other had been on our unit off and on for the past year. We all loved her and her family so much. Things are so heart breaking. I'm so emotionally burnt out right now. I love caring for my patients and know that death is a part of life... but it's hard to be around so much sadness and death.

I didn't realize how sad the holidays would be and how hard not having my baby would be. (My baby would be one month old). I just want to be a mom. I want to quit this job and take care of my children. I had Christmas day off, but worked the 24th and 26th and was exhausted all day. We spent the day with my in-laws and I missed my own family so much and the day was focused on my nephew who was born on the day I miscarried. I love him, but he's sadly a reminder of how long it's been since my loss.

I hope the new year brings much more happiness and peace.

Getting Healthy

My new year's resolution is to get healthy. DH is pushing me toward this (and joining in this). Here's the plan:
1) joining a gym (either 24hour Fitness or Lifetime Fitness)
2) going to a chiropractor (I'm a little skeptical-never been before, but DH is making me go)
3) eating healthier (need a concrete plan for this...)

And I'm doing this because... I will be pregnant in 2009! (Positive thinking!)

another BFP dream

I have a lot of BFP dreams and baby dreams. They are so great, but of course I wake up and they were just a dream. I just feel so desperate for a baby. I love being a nurse and my career is going well (2 raises in 3 months!). But I want to be a mom more than anything. If the economy keeps going south enough for DH to loose his job (which is an all too real possibility), he'll want to postpone baby-making so I can work longer. Ugh. I truly believe that God will provide for us whenever a baby comes and that we'll never be completely ready, so WHY ARE WE STILL WAITING! I pray DH will have more faith. I think he's too scared too. I want him to be excited about a baby, so I also don't want to rush things. And of course I need to get myself healthier, which frightens me to have to gain a few pounds. I've had some food/weight issues in the past that I need to re-address. But I'm much better and know that God will get me through those. After all, pregnancy weight doesn't scare me anymore! :)

December already!

I love Christmas time... but I can't wait until next year. I'm going to get pregnant next year (positive thinking)! DH and I have been discussing plans a lot lately and trying to play around with timing (4 important out of town weddings coming up). I'm scared we'll wait because of a wedding and it won't happen and then we'll have to wait again. Is it bad that I wouldn't mind missing my brother's wedding?
I had another baby dream last night. I had a baby girl again. It felt so good to have her in my arms. My baby dreams always feel so real.
Here's praying for a great month and a new year filled with a BFP (and a better economy would be fabulous!)